The 7 Kinds Of Love

Hey everyone,

I feel the need to talk about love and the different kinds of love. I don’t know why but I hope this helps someone. A lot of this is available on Wikipedia but I have just put it all in one place for you!

The ancient Greeks had various words to describe “love” and the various forms it comes in. Let’s have a look at the first one in no particular order:

1), Agápe (ἀγάπη)

Agápe (ἀγάπη) – love: esp. charity; the love of God for man and of man for a good God (Liddell and Scott 2010, p.4). Agape is used in ancient texts to denote feelings for one’s children and the feelings for a spouse. Also, used by Christians to express the unconditional love of God for his children (Romans 5:5; 5:8) (Wikipedia 2019, Greek words for love). In his book The Four Loves (1960), C. S. Lewis describes this as the love that exists regardless of changing circumstances and recognizes this selfless love as the greatest of the four loves and a specifically Christian virtue to achieve (Wikipedia 2019, The Four Loves).

Canadian psychologist John Alan Lee wrote a set of typologies about love (types of things) in his book Colours of Love: An Exploration of the Ways of Loving (1973) and these are Lee’s recognizable traits of a person exhibiting this kind of love:

  • Attracted to several types of people
  • Meets people easily so most likely will begin with a stranger
  • Feels concern and care for each partner they have
  • Is neither jealous nor obsessive
  • Enjoys sex and is willing to improve it (Sternberg 1988, p.48) (Wikipedia 2019, Color wheel theory of love).

2.) Éros (ἔρως)

Éros (ἔρως) – love, mostly of the sexual passion (Liddell and Scott 2019, ἔρως) The Modern Greek word “erotas” means “intimate love”. In the Symposium (360 B.C.), the most famous ancient work on the subject, Plato has Socrates argue that eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and understanding of spiritual truth, the ideal “Form” of youthful beauty that leads us humans to feel erotic desire, that is, finding its truth, just like finding any truth, leads to transcendence (Plato 1973) (360 B.C.) (Wikipedia 2019, Greek words for love). Lewis saw this love in the sense of “being in love” or “loving” someone, as opposed to raw sexuality (Lewis 1960, pp.108-109). Additionally, Lewis also warned against the modern tendency for Eros to become a god to people, a justification for selfishness and even a phallic religion (Lewis 1960 pp.127-132, 113). After exploring sexual activity he also notes how Eros (or being in love) is in itself an indifferent, neutral force (Lewis 1960, p.124) (Wikipedia 2019, The Four Loves).

Lee’s recognizable traits of a person exhibiting this kind of love:

  • Feels strong physical and emotional connection through the relationship
  • Begins with a partner who is a stranger and evokes immediate excitement
  • May be exclusive but not possessive
  • Seeks early sexual adventure, variety and technique
  • Is ready for love and its risks (Sternberg 1988, p.51) (Wikipedia 2019, Color wheel theory of love).

3.) Philia (φιλία philía)

Philia (φιλία philía) – affectionate regard, friendship, usually between equals (Liddell and Scott 2019, φιλία). It is a dispassionate virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle (Internet Encyclopaedia of Philosophy 2014). In his work on ethics, Nicomachean Ethics (350 B.C.), Philia is expressed variously as loyalty to friends, family and community and requires virtue, equality, and familiarity (Wikipedia 2019, Greek words for love). In the same fashion Lewis saw Philia as the friendship love also and a strong bond existing between people who share common values, interests or activities (Hooper 1996, p.654). Lewis differentiates friendship love from the other loves describing it as “…the least biological, organic, instinctive, gregarious and necessary…the least natural of loves” (Lewis 1960, p.70). He expresses a strong distaste for the way modern society ignores friendship and felt that few people in modern society could value at its worth, as so few actually experienced true friendship (Lewis 1960, pp.77, 84–85, 70) (Wikipedia 2019, The Four Loves).

Storge is also used to describe this kind of love and Lee uses it instead of Philia so does not provide recognizable traits of a person exhibiting this kind of love (Wikipedia 2019, Color wheel theory of love). See below for Lee’s recognizable traits for a person exhibiting Storge.

4.) Storge (στοργή)

Storge (στοργή storgē) – love, affection and especially of parents and children (Liddell and Scott 2019, στοργή). It is the common or natural empathy, like that felt by parents for offspring (Strong et al 2008, p.228). Rarely used in ancient works and even then almost exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family. It is also known to express putting up with situations, as in “loving” the tyrant. This is also used when referencing the love for one’s country or sports team (Wikipedia 2019, Greek words for love). Lewis has an interesting take on this kind of love, describing it as liking someone through the fondness of familiarity, for example, the natural love and affection of a parent for their child. Lewis describes this as the most natural, emotive and widely diffused of loves. Natural because it is present without coercion, emotive because it is the result of fondness due to familiarity and most widely diffused because it pays the least attention to those characteristics deemed worthy of love and as a result, able to transcend most discriminating factors (Wikipedia 2019, The Four Loves).

Lee’s recognizable traits of a person exhibiting this kind of love:

  • Is not looking for love but is ready if encountered
  • Quietly possessive but not overly jealous
  • Believes love comes from friendship but not a goal of life
  • Only has sexual desires after commitment is declared (Wikipedia 2019, Color wheel theory of love).

5.) Ludus

Ludus – “game” in Latin (hence the name of the game Ludo, remember that? Old Schooool! Totally showing my age!!! lol). Lee uses the term to describe those who see love as a desiring to want to have fun with each other, to do activities, tease, indulge and play harmless pranks on each other (like me lol). The acquisition of love and attention itself may be part of the game (Lee 1973, p.16) (Wikipedia 2019, Color wheel theory of love).

Lee’s recognizable traits of a person exhibiting this kind of love:

  • Ludic lovers want to have as much fun as possible.
  • When they are not seeking a stable relationship, they rarely or never become overly involved with one partner and often can have more than one partner at a time.
  • They don’t reveal their true thoughts and feelings to their partner, especially if they think they can gain some kind of advantage over their partner. The expectation may also be that the partner is also similarly minded.
  • If a relationship materializes it would be about having fun and indulging in activities together.
  • This love style carries the likelihood of infidelity.
  • In its most extreme form, Ludic love can become sexual addiction (Wikipedia 2019, Color wheel theory of love).

6.) Mania

Mania – from the Latin for “mental disorder”, from which we get the term “manic” or mainiac! Lee defines manic love as flowing out of a desire to hold one’s partner in high esteem and wanting to love and be loved in this way. This type of love leads a partner into a type of madness and obsession. It is a mix between Ludus and Eros.

Manic lovers speak of their partners in possessives and feel they “need” their partners. Love is a means of rescue or a reinforcement of value. Manic lovers value finding a partner through chance without prior knowledge of financial, educational, or personality dispositions.

Insufficient expression of the love of mania by one’s partner can cause one to perceive the partner as aloof, materialistic and detached. Lewis doesn’t go into this in the book, probably because Mania isn’t love at all.

Lee’s recognizable traits of a person exhibiting this kind of love:

  • Anxious about falling in love and has expectations of pain
  • Quickly becomes overwhelmed by thoughts of their partner
  • Forces partner into showing affection and emotion
  • Is easily frustrated and does not enjoy sexual intimacy
  • Is very possessive and jealous (Wikipedia 2019, Color wheel theory of love).

7.) Pragma

Pragma – from a Greek term meaning “businesslike”. Lee defines Pragma as the most practical type of love and not necessarily derived out of true romantic love, rather, Pragma is a convenient type of love.

Pragmatic lovers have a notion of being of service, which they perceive to be rational and realistic. This also translates to having expectations of a partner and of the relationship. They tend to select and reject partners based on what they perceive as desirable, compatible traits. Pragmatic lovers want to find value in their partners, and ultimately want to work with their partner to reach a common goal. The practicality and realism of pragmatic love often aides longevity of the relationship, as long as common goals and values remain shared for the duration.

In a culture where arranged marriage is practiced, pragmatic love is very common at the time of mate selection. Values are likely to be shared by a couple in developing countries, where survival and wealth building are often prioritized over other life pursuits.

Lee’s recognizable traits:

  • Certain of their preferable “types”
  • Begins a relationship with an already familiar person
  • Believes a loving relationship is desirable for a happy life
  • Expects reciprocation of feelings
  • Believes sexual compatibility can be worked out (Sternberg 1988, p.51).

Further Theories On Love By C. S. Lewis

C. S. Lewis distinguishes between three main kinds of love Need/Gift Love, Pleasure and Appreciation Love.

Need- Love and Gift- Love
Need-Love – as the love of a child for its mother. However, a child’s need for parental comfort is a necessity, not a selfish indulgence. Gift-Love – epitomized by God’s love for humanity to the disparagement of the former (Lewis 1960, pp.9-12).

Pleasure and Appreciation Love
Lewis distinguishes Need-Pleasures e.g. such as water for the thirsty from Pleasures of Appreciation, such as the love of nature (Lewis 1960, pp.20; 27) from the latter. He developed what he called “a third element in love … Appreciative love” (Lewis 1960, p.26) to go along with Need-love and Gift-love (Wikipedia 2019, The Four Loves).

In my mind I rationalise it like this – Need/Gift Love is “I need you”. Need-Pleasure Love is “I want you” and Pleasure/Appreciation Love is “I want you because I need you”.

Catherine’s Thoughts On The Matter

I think I personally am a mixture of a couple of those loves, they show what I have said for ages. Love is an emotion that comes from being physically around someone. Real loves is bourne out of real life situations. Sometimes what you are feeling is not love at all it’s Maaaanniiiiaaa! Simple Ludus or Pure unadulterated Eros!

So back to my point that I keep on going on and on and on about…

You cannot fall in love with someone purely based on your interaction with them online. If you have not met them in person and do not have a real life physical rapport with them, it’s not love. You are in love with the idea of them, as without meeting them in real life, you cannot possibly know who or what they actually are. Your relationship is with your computer or smartphone via WhatsApp, Twitter, Facebook or even WordPress!

Do you find that when you see those little notifications from that person you have been stalking online ahem *cough* I mean that person you chat to online… that you begin to get a bit turned on? It’s not because you are truly in love with that person. You just enjoy the rush of interacting with them or stalking them online and you have conditioned your brain to receive pleasure from that kind of interaction, instead of interaction with a human face to face.

It’s not my place to judge why people do these things, I am just pointing out the flaws in such interaction. I’m just saying, God made humans as two naked people. Naked to show the intimacy and transparency that comes from real friendships.

Genesis 2:21-25 [NLT]
“So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the LORD God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. [22] Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. [23] “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.'” [24] This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. [25] Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.”

God didn’t make Adam and a computer screen with Eve sitting in some other part of the Garden of Eden. Humans are supposed to be relational and together, face to face, more often than not. Online interaction is not a substitute for real life relationships.

Follow this link to read my previous blog post on this issue, it’s important > Can you fall in #love with someone #online? #onlinedating #communication #internet #relationships

Catherine x (do not misinterpret that as a kiss…)

Bibliography

Books

Hooper, W. 1996. C. S. Lewis: A Companion & Guide. United Kingdom: Harper Collins Pub Ltd

Lee, J. A. 1973. Colours of Love: An Exploration of the Ways of Loving. Toronto: New Press.

Lewis, C. S. 1960. The Four Loves. London: Geoffrey Bles

Liddell, H. G. and R. Scott. 2010. An Intermediate Greek-English Lexicon: Founded Upon The Seventh Edition Of Liddell And Scott’s Greek-English Lexicon. United Kingdom: Benediction Classics.

Plato. 1973. The Symposium. W. Hamilton Trans. 1973. Repr. Harmondsworth: Penguin.

Sternberg, R. J. 1988. Triangulating Love. In The Psychology Of Love, R. J. Sternberg & M. Barnes eds, pp.119–138. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.

Strong B, W., L. Yarber, B. W. Sayad and C. Devault. 2008. Human sexuality: diversity in contemporary America. 6th edn. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Websites

Aristotle. 350 B.C. ‘Nicomachean Ethics. Trans W. D. Ross’ The Internet Classics Archive Web site, at: <http://classics.mit.edu/Aristotle/nicomachaen.8.viii.html&gt; 02 May 2019

Internet Encyclopaedia Of Philosophy. 2014. ‘b. Philia’ Internet Encyclopaedia of Philosophy Web site, at: <https://www.iep.utm.edu/love/#SH1b&gt; 24 August 2014.

Liddell, H. G. and R. Scott. 2019. ‘ἔρως’ Perseus Web site, at: <http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.04.0057%3Aentry%3De)%2Frws> 02 May 2019

Liddell H. G. and R. Scott. 2019. ‘στοργή’ Perseus Web site, at: <http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.04.0057%3Aentry%3Dfili%2Fa&gt; 02 May 2019

Liddell H. G. and R. Scott. 2019. ‘φιλία’ Perseus Web site, at: <http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.04.0057%3Aentry%3Dfili%2Fa&gt; 02 May 2019

Plato. 360 B.C. ‘Symposium. Trans. B. Jowett.’, The Internet Classics Archive Web site, at: <http://classics.mit.edu/Plato/symposium.html&gt; 02 May 2019

Wikipedia. 2019. ‘Color wheel theory of love’, Wikipedia Web site, at: <https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Color_wheel_theory_of_love&gt; 01 May 2019

Wikipedia. 2019. ‘Greek word for love’, Wikipedia Web site, at: <https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love&gt; 1 May 2019

Wikipedia. 2019. ‘The Four Loves’ Wikipedia Web site, at: <https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Four_Loves&gt; 01 May 2019

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Goodbye *waves* | #friendship #love #happiness #Jesus |

An open letter to my friend

For my friend…

Hey everybody!

So it is with great sadness that I send this post. The older I get the more and more it has come to my attention that I have people and things in my life that I just don’t need because they are not contributing anything, they don’t even make me happy and they are just wasting space for people and things that could make me happy.

So I have taken a very long and very hard think and have decided that there are just some people in my life that I just don’t need any more. There are certain people in my life where I just feel like our relationship has just stagnated and has been for many years.

Have you ever known anyone where you’ve known them for years but you still feel just as awkward with them as you did nearly 20 years ago? Or you feel like your relationship with that person has never improved, grown or developed in any way? You feel like you have not grown as people together? They seem to be embarrassed by you in front of their friends? They don’t want their friends on facebook to know you know each other so they hide your posts? Or they ask you to delete them? You have no shared goals or values? You try and contact them and they hardly ever or never reply but when it’s some kind of activity that they are organising or they want you to go to for whatever reason they are always full of chat? They are happy when you are their secret and annoyed when other people want to drive you home and they tell them not to, to isolate you so that only they can drive you home? and when your life moves on they seem to be unhappy about it? I’m not even talking about romantic relationships, I’m just talking about ordinary friendships.

I like my friendships to grow, develop and move forward, circumstances permitting. When I say circumstances permitting I mean obviously when my friends get married or move or whatever, our friendship then takes on a new dimension, as they have children etc, you can’t be out all night with them all the time then etc. However, if circumstances permit a stronger bond with deeper dimensions, (again I’m not talking about romantic relationships I’m talking about just being decent friends) and this is not being exploited or properly utilised then there’s a problem and you’re not friends.

Time and time again guys fail to understand this. You want a girlfriend but you are not nice in a consistent way to all of the women around you. Women talk, so they will be spreading news of your bad behaviour to all the ladies you want to date. Additionally, how do you expect to wholeheartedly love someone when you don’t have the capacity to wholeheartedly love? You should be able to show love to anybody, I’m not talking about romantic love I’m talking about the kind of love that friendship should be. I admit I am talking to myself here as well, we all struggle to be nice. I absolutely despise guys who are only kind to women they are romantically interested in. I have no time for such people.

Obviously I know there are degrees of friendship and not all friendships are close but some are distant when they should be close and the emotional distance is as a result of dysfunction, that’s the kind of friendship I am talking about here.

The Ancient Greeks were much more adept at explaining the various degrees or kinds of relationships and the different kinds of “love” that you encounter within them, they had several words for love:

Éros (ἔρως érōs) love, mostly of the sexual passion
Storge (στοργή storgē) tenderness, love, affection, especially of parents and children
Philia (φιλία philía) affectionate regard, friendship, usually between equals
Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē) love: esp. charity; the love of God for man and of man for God

Being nice isn’t a declaration of érōs (sexual passion) but without storgē (tenderness) how do yo expect to even get to érōs? Don’t you know if agápē (charity, the kind of love that exists despite changing circumstances) is not fully developed in your life there can be no philía (friendship) and without philía there will never be any érōs (well not with me anyway… Especially not before marriage as I am a Christian)? I’m not asking for sex no offence, I’m just asking for kindness lol.

What can I say, I like friendships to have as much depth as they ought to, no more and no less. That’s not to say that I would push a friendship more than it should go. You get a feel for certain people that makes you think “ok this is a distant friend” or “ok we can be closer”. However, what really grinds my gears is when you have someone wanting you close only when it’s convenient for them and you’re doing all the friending…

When I am in a friendship with someone, I want to be more to you and you be more to me as time goes on. I’m not talking in a romantic way, I’m just saying that any kind of relationship whether it’s a friendship, a business relationship, a family relationship or a romantic relationship needs to grow positively somehow in order for it to succeed and be useful in any way. You need to be adding something positive to each others lives as often as possible. You need to be fulfilling some kind of need for each other, even if it’s the need for an occasional laugh or some light conversation. We need to grow together, have shared experiences and somehow lift each other up. There also needs to be emotional connectedness and emotional investment, not always emotional strain. I need to know that I can rely on you and you need to know that you can rely on me. All these things need to be done to whatever degree the kind of relationship permits (due to distance, culture, etc). Again, I’m not even talking about romantic relationships I’m just talking about ordinary friendships.

I don’t like or enjoy time wasters. Anything outside of what I just mentioned is pointless, if your “friendship” does not display any of the virtues like I just mentioned above (obviously distance permitting etc.), in my eyes, you’re colleagues or peers, not friends. If you aren’t growing together somehow in a meaningful way (as I said, to the levels that the friendship will permit) or you’re the same place you were 20 years ago and that place is not a good place (in some instances, being in the same place for 2 decades can be a positive thing) but when it’s a stagnant place, it might be time to call it a day at one point. That point is now. We are stagnant, the friendship is one sided and I’m taking out the trash.

Goodbye.

Now I understand how Jesus feels about us sometimes.

Catherine x

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The 5 kinds of guy I have encountered whilst #onlinedating… | #love #marriage #datingapps #vagina #lol |

FYI – I will let you know when the footage from my last gig becomes available. See these other blog posts for more info:
* This one–> I had another #gig last week, sorry I didn’t tell you! | #musician #freelance #singer #songwriter #acousticguitar |
* And this one–> Footage from last weeks #gig! |#singer #songwriter #freelance #musician #acousticguitar #soundcloud #newmusic #livemusic #london

Now to this weeks blog post!

Hey everyone,

Thought I would just give feedback on how my online dating is going.

Basically, it’s going terribly lol. The issue isn’t finding guys who are attracted to me, it’s finding guys who are attracted to me, that I too am attracted to, that also don’t just want sex… *sigh*.

For a start I’ve had to reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaallllllyyyyyy lower my standards. Like, a lot lol. I also feel like everything online is far too driven by looks as opposed to personality. See my previous blog post on this issue (follow this link). Additionally, I don’t actually believe you can fall in love with someone online anyway I’ve made that quite clear in this blog post (follow this link), so I pretty much think that if they are talking to me because they just want sex.

Also, I seem to be not necessarily attracting guys my own age but older guys, literally, Caucasian men in their 30’s, between 30-37 seem to love me…? FYI (as of the 6th of Dec 2018) I am currently 28 years old. I don’t have any issues dating guys older then me. In fact, I welcome it. In fact, I don’t actually like dating guys my age, as a rule I go for older. Anyway, here’s the 5 kinds of guys I’ve encountered:

1.) The sexually deviant or just want a hookup (one night stand for the uninitiated)

I don’t think the majority are talking to me for my brain. I feel like when I am chatting away to whoever, they see me as some toy and just an innocent little girl that they hope to do shameful things to, below is an actual conversation I had:

Me: Hey! 🙂

Him: Ooo cute, free later 😉 ?

Me: Heh
So tell me a bit about yourself?

Him: Weeeeellll
I’m free later
And I live here, ## ### (hidden for the users protection)
Soooo
Yea
Pop round

I unmatched and blocked that user. I’m not stupid enough to go round his house for him to violate me repeatedly. It’s a shame, he was cute but didn’t seem like he would take no for an answer. He somehow thought I was stupid enough to actually go????

2.) The guys that don’t reply.

Now I know how all 1.5k+ guys (no I’m genuinely not exaggerating) who messaged/liked me feel when I don’t reply lol. It’s not nice when you like the person but they don’t reply or reciprocate but I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk to people who you are not interested in just to tell them you don’t like them, doesn’t seem nice to me either.

3.) The guys with off-the-grid sexual appetites :/

My mother said a while ago that I seem to attract men who want to be dominated. True to form one guy who liked me was specifically looking for a a woman who would dominate him. He wanted to be in something called a “cuckold relationship” and described himself as:

“a submissive male seeking a hot wife who is open minded and sexually independent and free.”

I don’t even know what that means and I don’t want to know lol…

There’s some sick people out there. I like MANLY men. I really fancy men who have beards as well, just a side note 🙂

4.) The guys that are trying to catfish you

They just don’t want to show you a picture of their face…

5.) The guys who are weird

Those complete and utter weirdos, who after talking to them, you think to yourself, no wonder you’re here!… Lol

What Catherine wants

As I said, the main issue isn’t finding guys who are attracted to me, it’s finding guys who are attracted to me that I too am attracted to, that don’t want just sex. I get that a man who is attracted to you is a man who wants to have sex with you. I get that. I also get that if the man that I am with doesn’t want to have sex with me then there’s a problem but come on guys. It just can’t be all about sex and looks. That’s so short-sighted, remember women age!

Here’s what I’m willing to settle for: A guy who wants sex but also likes me as a person and respects my values. How hard is that? Seriously? Below is a good video which talks about what I believe (play in the embedded player below or follow this link):

My Complaints Against Single Christian Guys

I want to date a Christian but soo many single Christian guys in their late 20’s onwards seem sooo wet and immature… I want a husband not a pet. Here’s a scenario that happened to me:

I went to a church that wasn’t mine. I had on a dress and pearls and a bunch of guys stood there talking about talking to me. They just stood there huddled up staring at me, my back was turned to them but I could hear them and see them from the side. Not a single one of those “boys” actually talked to me despite lengthy conversation about it. I did actually wait around a bit to give them a chance but eventually I just got hungry and left lol. My concern was that by the time one of those guys decided to grow up, get over their fear of women and actually talk to me I’d be so old that my eggs would have gone off in my ovaries.

I have actually told guys that I like them before I have been rejected as well but it doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger. If you like a girl/woman say something, she might just like you too.

I admit I have also had some very positive experiences of single Christian guys who just went for it and WELL DONE TO YOU GUYS. I REALLY APPRECIATED IT AND YOU TOTALLY HAVE MY RESPECT I SHOULD HAVE KISSED YOU.

I want an actual man who has the stones to do what needs to be done. Not someone the age of a man that acts like a boy allllll the time. I’ll put up with a certain amount of silliness for a laugh but you can’t be childish all the time, it’s not funny. I have observed other very childish things that single Christian guys in their late 20 some-thing plus have done/tend to do but I can’t even be bothered to document them right now. I’m just not impressed at all.

th

I will never ever ever allow you to penetrate me everrrr with that attitude (obviously only within marriage). My vagina is reserved for winners, dude (again, obviously only after marriage). Grow up, buck up and stop being losers. I don’t want to be mean but some of you just won’t learn.

Also, more seriously, many of them are Christian by name only, they don’t read their Bible everyday, they don’t go to or participate/serve in a church regularly and they pick and choose which parts of the Bible they are going to follow, which usually includes the parts that suit them somehow.

Spiritual maturity goes hand in hand with ordinary maturity. Ordinary maturity tells you you have responsibilities and you need to be disciplined and make time for God. This in turn develops your spiritual maturity by spending scheduled time with God which develops your maturity about other things because then you become adept at hearing and recognising the Holy Spirit, who will in turn advise you on day to day matters of common sense and integrity. The ones that don’t have common sense or integrity tend to be the ones that lack spiritual maturity because they lack the discipline to bother to seek Godly wisdom in a timely and organised manner.

My ex was the love of my life but I was certainly not stupid enough to marry him (although we did pick out a ring for me and we went looking at furniture and argued in the John Lewis store about kettles, I wanted the pretty kettle and he wanted the one that would last…). I wanted to marry him I did and I was very sad when he broke up with me but most of that was wounded pride lol. I never regretted not marrying him he tried to ask me several times and I kept on saying “mmm I think we should wait” lol. Why did I dissuade him? I did that because he was a boy in the body of a grown man who I had to beg to read his bible every day, also he barely went to church before I bugged him to. Also, he was only ever nice to me and then again he wasn’t really all that nice to me either and he lacked common sense. I’m not sorry we’re not together any more lol. We started out as friends, it became something else, then it fizzled away and now I am free lol.

As I said I was sad at the time but the breakup was necessary for me to grow. I am much happier now! His foibles were down to a lack of spiritual maturity. His problems began and ended with his apathy towards his primary responsibility as a man, which was to his God and seeking wisdom from his God. Any idiot can get married (and many idiots do!) but a Godly person gets married to the right person at the right time.

*** In a separate matter not related to my ex**** I really feel like I need to say this just to make it really final. No offence but if you don’t read your Bible everyday, you don’t respond to your WhatApp’s not necessarily the same hour or even the same day (because you know people are busy and sometimes I admit I miss them as well, I just got a text and a WhatsApp today from someone who tried to get me yesterday but I just missed it) but if you can’t even reply the same month I send them and you still don’t know how to talk to or interact with the opposite sex in your late 20’s plus, I don’t want to know!

No offence but I really need say this. Boy… and I mean boy because that is how I perceive you, I am done with you. You are too late, I’m done. Take it away Jojo! (play in the embedded player below or follow this link):

I’ll be your friend, yes, but I am never ever ever ever going to let you get anywhere near my vagina! (again only within marriage because I am a Christian)…ever. I’m done with you. Move along.

*** Rant over ***

What Catherine Needs

I need the person I’m married to and sleeping with (only within marriage of course) to be someone I can respect! Whatever you believe in, do it with conviction. I’d rather passionately make-out with someone who doesn’t go to church with conviction, than marry someone who goes to church half-heartedly -_- even Jesus doesn’t like people who are lukewarm:

(Revelation 3:14-22 NLT) “[14] “Write this letter to the angel of the church in Laodicea. This is the message from the one who is the Amen–the faithful and true witness, the beginning of God’s new creation: [15] “I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! [16] But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth! [17] You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’ And you don’t realize that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked. [18] So I advise you to buy gold from me–gold that has been purified by fire. Then you will be rich. Also buy white garments from me so you will not be shamed by your nakedness, and ointment for your eyes so you will be able to see. [19] I correct and discipline everyone I love. So be diligent and turn from your indifference. [20] “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends. [21] Those who are victorious will sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat with my Father on his throne. [22] “Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what he is saying to the churches.””

Conclusion

I’ve given the online dating thing a good try but it hasn’t worked how I would like. Anyway, so I’m trying to go to face-to-face singles events and even speed dating (which is better suited to the level of attention that I am willing to give to each match) and we’ll see how that goes… lol.

And remember guys! Grow up and read your Bible everyday or no vagina for you! (within marriage obviously).

Bye!

Catherine

Some lighthearted reasons why #men are like #dogs, feel free to #paw over this lol | #pets #animals #men #fun #lol

Hello,

I’ve been meditating on the similarities between men and dogs. Below are my musings: (FYI, the man and dog in the picture above are not mine lol)

Here’s why men are like dogs:

  • They have faces and hands…
  • They’re cute
  • They like to snuggle up on the sofa with you
  • They make excellent friends
  • To keep them fit you give them appropriate feed and take them for regular walks
  • They love meal times
  • They’re hairy
  • They love back rubs
  • If you let them, they’ll lick your face
  • They don’t like going to the doctor
  • They’re territorial over their females
  • They have whiskers (moustache)
  • Sometimes you have to clean up their sick
  • Sometimes they wee on your (bathroom) floor…
  • The whole world is their toilet 🙂
  • You have to house train them
  • Stronger than they look
  • They lick themselves clean – I have seen this…
  • They like to play with toys even when they are adults
  • Pathological fear of a rolled up newspaper
  • They’re affectionate!
  • They come in all different shapes and sizes
  • When they’re too frisky you get them done (haha!)
  • They like attention
  • Happy to see you in the morning
  • Some are more docile than others
  • You adopt them from their mothers (lol)
  • They have no clue what women are angry about
  • Sloppy wet kisses!!!
  • They occasionally bark at you
  • You can dress them up in cute outfits
  • They enjoy physical contact with their favourite humans
  • It’s culturally acceptable for them to be topless in public
  • Weird fascination with butts
  • They aren’t expected to shave their legs
  • They enjoy taking a nap
  • Fancy themselves as pack leader

That’s all I can think of for now!

Catherine x

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This is how I know when #winter is here! #pets #dogs #fireplace

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I Think All #WOMEN should wear #SEXY #UNDERWEAR / #LINGERIE And This Is Why…

Dear All,

So last month was my birthday and I was assessing the last 28 years and I was thinking when I have this, I’m going to do this and that. When I eventually get here, I’m going to stay here and do this. When I finally stop being single, I’m going to do this, that and the other, with my man and I’m going to buy a whole load of sexy clothes that I think a man might enjoy seeing me in bahahahahaha!

Then it hit me! – hold on – why am I waiting to get married before I wear sexy underwear?!!??!?! I was like:

“Oh no no no no no! Catherine you don’t dress your body for men, you dress your body in what makes you feel good and sexy because you’re worth it! You should feel good and sexy without the validation of a man. You shouldn’t need a man to say “ooo yeah!” at you before you feel sexy. The sexiness needs to come from the inside!”

So I marched over to Ann Summers and I bought the sexiest things I could find on the shelves (I was actually surprised at how tame the garments in there were) because it doesn’t matter if a man is going to see you or not. You see you and you should dress up for you, you’re worth it! If it makes you feel good and sexy, DO IT! (Within reason people… E.g. don’t walk around naked in public because it makes you feel sexy that’s just ridiculous, leave that kind of thing for indoors when the curtains are closed lol)

There’s nothing wrong with being sexy and embracing your sexiness! You are a human being, therefore, you are a sexual, sensual being. Embrace it! Even the Bible discusses human sensuality. Read Song of Solomon sometimes known as Song of Song for more info: https://www.blueletterbible.org/nlt/sng/1/1/s_672001

I feel like sometimes as women we just give up sometimes. We think oh nobody is looking at me any more because:

  • I’m waaaay over 50 or
  • I have children or
  • I’ve put on a bit of weight or
  • I’ve been single for a long time or
  • I have glasses or freckles or or or or and so on!

Here’s my rebuttal:

  • FOR THE OVER 50 I SAY! see the picture below:

  • FOR THE OVERWEIGHT I SAY! Some people are overweight because of health reasons and consequently are unable to loose the excess, BUT let me tell you, men are simple creatures. They’ll look regardless…. Some guys like a woman with a big bum! lol. I’m pretty sure my bum gets looked at far more than my face! For those who are physically able to loose the weight, love yourself by having a healthy diet, this will make you loose weight through a process of self love and not self hatred. Exercise and have a healthy lifestyle for health reasons, not aesthetic reasons, it’ll improve your sex drive anyway.Say it with me: “I am loosing weight and having a healthy lifestyle because that will help me to be the best me that I can possibly be”. Don’t try to be a weight that is unhealthy for your frame, if you’re a tall woman you should be heavier than the average woman because there is more of you, if you’re a small woman, when you’ve lost the weight you would naturally be lighter than the average woman etc. To find out the healthy weight for you see the NHS BMI Calculator below for more info:
  • FOR THOSE WITH CHILDREN, your man is thinking some boobs are better than no boobs at all lol! If you cover up because YOU THINK you’re spent and no longer an object of sexual desire following the baby(ies) he’ll just stop initiating, for two reasons:
    • Firstly: because it hurts his feelings MORE THAN YOU KNOW to get knocked back constantly.
    • Secondly: not because he’s not interested in you but because you aren’t interested in you. Your intangible emotional disinterest in yourself is expressed through you tangibly, physically covering up your body in drabness. Listen very carefully, no man is going to intentionally make his life difficult by trying to penetrate the impenetrable. He loves you enough to marry you and put one baby in you and watch the baby come out of you and is still sticking around? Then he probably wants to put another baby in you as well, giving birth isn’t pretty, yet he stayed lol. You’re not giving him the chance to prove how much he loves you and how decent he is (or is not depending on the case). He wants the you he fell in love with, who was confident and loved herself and was emotionally self sufficient. He found your self confidence super sexy! You are sexy! Game face! You’re a Yummy Mummy now! Get rid of those gross old things that your grandmother wouldn’t be seen dead in and make or buy some new hot ones or alter the ones you have (they don’t have to be new), or don’t wear any at all! (in the house not outside, lets be decent…). Go have sex with your husband, initiate, he won’t mind lol. You don’t like the excess baby weight? Exercise! Stretch marks? Coconut oil! You can do this! If you’re a mother you’re a hero anyway! Go Supermum! Go!

  • FOR THE SINGLE I SAY! Get your sexy glad rags on FOR YOU not anybody else, you’re never going to attract anyone sulking in your sackcloth and ashes. Be confident, you know you’re sexy, work out FOR YOU. Then, naturally, with your hot body and confident personality that comes from self love and the knowledge that Jesus thinks you’re wonderful, you’re going to find someone, in the process of loving yourself. Then when that person finally arrives YOU WONT NEED their validation like oxygen, which means you won’t be an emotional parasite on them.

e3ceda63d0d44ad07e46199b5383a9d9--be-confident-confidence-quotes.jpg

I’m actually a lot healthier physically and emotionally since I’ve changed my mentality on the matter of sexy underwear, ok I would just like to say my previous pieces did not look like Granny underwear but I just avoided the super slinky hoochie mama stuff which I am now embracing and it totally shows on the outside. I hope by now you guys realise this post isn’t about sexy underwear at all it is in fact about the self confidence that precedes the life choice to decide to wear a particular garment and it’s about wearing nice things because you are worth it, nice things aren’t just for skinny people or young people or people in relationships, they are for everyone! They are for you!

So, I bought a lovely new strappy swimming costume. I want to fit it nicely, so I’ve been working out and eating the right things, this in turn has been giving me the shape I want, in a healthy way because I want to do that for me. This in turn is making me more physically fit which has improved my overall health. Now, since I’ve been working out for me, I’ve actually been more determined in my workout sessions and getting much better results and I actually get more male attention! huzzah! lol! I went to the mall the other day and the dudes were like “whoa!” and “oh yes!” like really loud hehehe. But I don’t care, their attention, which I think was directed at my lady lumps, doesn’t interest me and that is as it should be!!!! It was a welcome surprise and I was flattered but I do not live for the affirmation of others. This has come about because I walk around with my head up high, knowing Jesus loves me and has made me beautiful and I’m slowly but surely loving myself a lot more, not looking around for affirmation, my affirmation comes from the inside. I’m dressing my body in fun things to love me 🙂 and its an exciting experience! Who doesn’t like shopping? Or altering clothes? My mother was happily taking in some clothes yesterday, happily because she had lost weight lol. I’m not saying that I’ve got all this stuff down. I’m still a work in progress myself but bit by bit Jesus is helping me to love myself, not in an arrogant way but in a self confident way.

I bought my sexy strappy things, I’ve been working out so I fit them nicely and I am going to wear them, I don’t care who can or cannot see! Let the sexy underwear revolution begin! [see the video below].

Catherine x

I’ve decided to try new things

Hello

I’m thinking about pushing the boundaries and to stop being so “safe” and to try new things. That is all. I’m busy trying new things lol.

Here’s the playlist with my new song about marital sex in the garden from last week. There’s 3 versions in the playlist, the original, acoustic and orchestral, let me know which one you like best.

Play in the embedded player below or Follow this link to play:

You can also listen on SoundCloud. Follow this link to play or use the embedded player below:

Catherine x

I Wrote A Song About #Sex for my #PhD | #phdlife #freelance #musician #soundcloud #music #feminism |

Hello Everyone!

So as we know I’m doing a PhD in Music, in the area of Theomusicology & Feminist Musicology and some other things, with a practical element to it. So one of the things I’m looking at is how women and sex is represented in music as my project is interested in sexual politics (in a metaphorical sense) but in a literal sense sexual politics is also about sex. In response to my findings I’m going to produce some songs on the topic. The practical portfolio will have songs on various topics relating to women and music and theology. It will make sense when you read my thesis. Here’s a paraphrased summary of what I’ve learned, the full academic essay will come later.

I chose the topic of marital sex as a context for my section on women, music and sex. My intended outcomes for this song are to present women/wives as strong, mutual/equal with men/husbands, sensual/emotional beings that enjoy sex and have their own opinions and sex drives and sexual desires that are just as important as the man’s within the context of marital sex. Furthermore, as I am a woman of colour, I am writing from the perspective of a woman of colour and I hope that my piece along with the values therein, will address the negative stereotypes about women of colour that perpetuate within Western contemporary songs about sex. In Western popular songs about sex, women of colour are usually represented in the most abased and course way. Furthermore, songwriters have an irritating habit if sexualizing the ways in which women of colour are often discriminated against, race, gender and class, by presenting them as the hot abused poor baby mamas *rolls eyes*, or one night stands, never anything good etc. Instead I, have written and performed a song, from the perspective of a woman of colour about being in a sexual relationship within the socio-economic status and security of being a wife, the lyrics talk about saying “I do” and rings etc. (you don’t have to be some guys baby mama, why are we always shown as the baby mama and not the wife?) and not a victim in sexual activity but a willing, consensual, active and committed participant. (N.B. I am not and have never been married this is just in the fictional narrative of the song).

As mentioned earlier, this song is about the joys of marital sex, as experienced by two fictional newly-weds. It follows the metaphor, imagery and form of ‘Song of Songs’ which is also called Song of Solomon, my favourite book of the Bible, (talking about gardens, fragrant spices, greenery, little foxes, having sex outside, it’s all in Song of Songs lol). Song of Songs is actually about the love between a dark skinned woman and King Solomon.

Song of Solomon 1:5 [NLT]
I am dark but beautiful, O women of Jerusalem- dark as the tents of Kedar, dark as the curtains of Solomon’s tents.

It also represents a counter-cultural approach to romantic relationships between men and women, as it is in fact the woman who pursues the man. I tried to reflect this in arranging it for a female singer and making the tone of the lyrics, that of someone who is a pursuer and initiator of physical intimacy. I also show the woman as initiator as well as mutual consenting participant, instead of a passive participant or victim. The lead vocal (the woman/bride) vocalises decisions about her own sexual desires and needs. You can find the woman in Song of Songs doing the same thing. The theomusicology comes in the narrative of the lyrics which implies that now they’re married they can have sex when and wherever they want to lol (within reason), which is a Christian theological standpoint (I’m a Christian btw). So it implies restraint and commitment before coitus, not after.

I also decided to make it walking pace because I found that most songs about sex and women, especially sex with or about or by women of colour, have quite a strong beat and lyrically emphasise the fun of sex with chauvinistic, misogynoir lyrics that often contextualise the woman and the act within the erotic, encouraging male brains to switch to autopilot, focussing entirely on the physicality and pleasure of sex, not the love. My piece is a response to these negative things I found. It is slow(ish) to be meditative, slow down the heart rate and give the listener space to clear their minds and think. The listener should not get carried away by eroticism but instead wrapped up in the sweetness, sensuality, thoughtfulness and intentional nature of the act of marital sex. Looking forward to adding this to the the final portfolio! So this is a sonic, feminist, womanist critique of pop music about women and sex, using the lived experience of a woman of colour as an analytical tool for reflection. I am trying to promote the knowledge of women by uncovering the lost narratives of our experience, like a Foucauldian genealogy.

Well done for reading, here’s the track! It’s called “I Hope The Neighbours Don’t See”

This YouTube playlist contains the Original, the Orchestral version, PLUS YOU CAN WATCH ME PLAY THE ACOUSTIC VERSION! Play in the embedded player below or Follow this link to play:

You can also listen on SoundCloud. Follow this link to play or use the embedded player below:

The Middle 8/Bridge is inspired by a conversation I had with a middle aged man who told me that when he first got married as a young man, he gave his wife a Hickey on her neck and someone from his church saw it and told him, “now you’re married you can do that where it don’t show” hah! lol

Lots of love

Catherine x

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#wedding #makeup

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You Feel #Lonely Because You Don’t #Love Yourself – #selfesteem #positivebodyimage

Hello Everybody,

I’ve been thinking, about why sometimes I feel lonely and here are my conclusions:

  • I feel like I love lots of other people more than I love myself.
  • I feel like I’m soo forgiving of other people and I make soo many concessions for other people’s mistakes but I’m very harsh and cold towards myself,
  • I’m intolerant of myself and my faults
  • Although I enjoy quiet time with myself I still feel like at the end of the day I want to hang out with other people more than I actually want to hang out with myself.
  • I’ve noticed that other people are more accepting of my physical appearance than I am
  • I need to stop criticising myself
  • I need to smile more and think more of myself

This is why I feel lonely. I don’t enjoy my own company. So when there is no one around to love me, I don’t even love myself, so then there’s literally no one there to love me at all. When other people abandon me I’m not there for me because I abandoned me a long time ago. This is a terrible sin and a crime against myself that I literally only noticed since Sunday of this week. It needs to stop, I need to forgive myself, love myself and take care of myself more.

I wrote a song in response to my meditations:

I hope this has enlightened someone today, maybe you have been feeling the same way you need to love yourself. I don’t mean that you should masturbate, I felt like Jesus told me in no uncertain terms that that is a big NO-NO, for more info see this article for a Christian perspective on this issue (follow this link). You know it isn’t going to help anyway, nothing will if you don’t feel love for yourself on the inside. As Christians we don’t believe in that kind of “self-love” anyway. We believe that Jesus’ love is enough but I also feel like part of Jesus loving us, is Him helping us to be emotionally well adjusted by coming to terms with who we are, what we look like, what we do and having a healthy sense of self esteem. Yes Jesus loves you, He also wants you to have the courage to love yourself as well.

P.S. I have an RSS Feed/Podcast! – Catherine Waithe-Arnold http://feeds.soundcloud.com/users/soundcloud:users:3505160/sounds.rss

Lots of love

Catherine x

Womanhood, love and pain

I accidentally posted this unfinished and early before, my little finger brushed the publish button, touch-phone screens are really sensitive these days lol!

Good evening,

I’ve been meditating on womanhood, pain and love.

This morning my period started and it was excruciating as usual. I was literally sitting there writhing in pain for hours. Thankfully I work from home.

Whilst I was writing in pain I was thinking, this is the price I have to pay in order to have children because as we all know from school, a menstruating woman is a fertile woman.

Basically menstruation in a nutshell is the beginning of a cycle where a woman’s ovaries produce an egg, the womb lining gets thicker in preparation to host a baby and the egg waits to be fertilized by sperm. If the egg is not fertilized then the woman’s body says “ok better luck next time let’s get rid of all this extra stuff we don’t need it this time”, then her body dumps the egg and the extra lining of the uterus. The menstruation is the sign that at one point that month your ovaries produced an egg. If your ovaries aren’t working and don’t produce any eggs you don’t have periods. Which is why menstruation is a sign of fertility. The NHS has an informative page on periods.

Anyway, so I was thinking, we women ensure pain every month so we can have the gift of children, that’s the only reason why I don’t complain. I bear the pain for the love of being a mother one day.

Then I thought physical pain and love are inextricably linked in womanhood. So periods are painful but you keep them because you love children.

Childbirth is excruciating (so I’m told lol) but it one of the most loving moments between a mother and her child she endures it so her child can be delivered and live. Labor is an act of love.

Sex, this can be painful for some women because they have problems like Vaginismus, again, the NHS has a handy page on this, in a nutshell that’s when a woman’s pelvic muscles spasm whenever she tries to put anything in her vagina e.g. a tampon, this literally shuts the vagina, so nothing can get in.

Or another thing is that perhaps it’s her first time having sex and she doesn’t know what she’s doing and he doesn’t know what he’s doing, especially if they are Christians and waited till their wedding night to have sex. This is something that keeps me up at night lol I feel really worried about this even whilst writing this I’ve developed a headache lol. Me and my single self is totally in control of what goes in my nether regions, apart from when I get the annual smear test, again the NHS are helpful with this one.

I would love to be married but I am not looking forward to an over enthusiastic, heavy (because I only weigh 7.5st or 102 pounds lol), aroused man trying to navigate my body for the first time. I feel like it’s going to hurt lol. However! We can work on it, I’m told sex gets better with time. Also, a decent man will listen to you when you say, “please don’t do that at that angle” lol. So I’m willing to work with him to educate/help him to not hurt me and still have a fulfilling sex life. But you see obviously you have to first experience the pain before you realise you shouldn’t do something. Therein lies the risk you take in having an intimate relationship with someone. You might get hurt, a good man won’t mean it, it’s just he doesn’t know what he’s doing, communicate with him, if he’s a good person he wont want to hurt you. However, you have to be willing to risk pain so you can grow together in physical and emotional closeness.

And that’s life as a woman but I know Jesus will help me through it all!

 

Love Catherine

CONTACT ME 

Good afternoon!

Did you know I have a Contact Me page? (Follow this link to my Contact Me page) No? Well… I have a Contact Me page lol (Follow this link to my Contact Me page).

I created it in the event that if you are interested in anything you see on this site you, you have any questions/comments or you wish to hire me (for music tuition, composing/arranging/producing, harping) you can contact me!

No need to be scared, I’ve dropped the form I had and put my email address there instead.

Check it out! (Follow this link to my Contact Me page)

 

We can also connect through social media:

SoundCloud – Catherine Waithe-Arnold www.soundcloud.com/waithey

Facebook – Catherine Waithe-Arnold Music www.facebook.com/catherinewaithearnoldmusic

LinkedIn – Catherine Waithe-Arnold  www.linkedin.com/in/catherinewaithe-arnold

YouTube – Catherine Waithe-Arnold www.youtube.com/CatherineWAmusic

Twitter – @CatherineW_A https://twitter.com/CatherineW_A

Instagram – @catherinewaithe.arnoldmusic https://www.instagram.com/catherinewaithe.arnoldmusic/

 

Catherine